I had a good chat with my friend last night, though it was brief, but then the content of our conversation was poignant. I had a lot of realization that truly made me proud of myself. After our talked, I tried to compare myself from my old identity, and I was shocked when I realized that I was too far from the old version of me.

Looking back, I realized that I was too clingy and too dependent with my friends before. I cannot really plan my trip without considering my friends first. I was that too inclined from fact that I cannot live alone. I need somebody to travel with, to watch movie in the cinema, to eat in the food court or even just throwing my garbage at the back of our building where I am staying.  I cannot make any decision without seeking someone’s opinion, specially from my friends. Even on a simple weekend I must solicit my friends plan first, before I plan my own or I would rather stay at home than to go out all by myself.

In almost 6 years of my life living here in Dubai, I was totally insecure without any valid reason. Might it be about the dress or any random things that I bumped into. I was too immature back then, I always wanted someone’s opinion for a simple matter. I am not proud of who I was and where I came from before. Then now looking back I was ashamed, I never truly embraced who I was and just went to the flow of getting myself being accepted in the circle where I am with. I didn’t realize earlier that I must live for my own and not for someone else.

I had my ups and downs, high and low. Truly forgotten to live by myself. But then now, I am totally done being a puppet of my own insecurity. I realized that I must push my dreams by my own. No one can help me better than I.

There are four stages of life according to my friend, first is the one where you have to focus on your study, friends and being dependent to someone. This stage is about having a party with friends and socializing with your peers. At this time, I think I have already conceded this stage. Second one is self-understanding; we must know ourselves better and from my own experience it was never easy. This was a devastating stage, I had to break myself into pieces to make it whole again and almost lost myself. I dawdled from the thought that I am not worthy and never will be worthy. But looking back I can say that it was a blessing, all those hardships made me a better person.

Third stage is about love and being loved by the opposite sex and fourth is about building your own family together with your other half. So far, I haven’t found the one yet.

Until next time…

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